Monday, June 14, 2010

An Open Letter To God

Dear God,

I know I am not deserving of a special request, but I am hoping that because You know how hard I have tried these last 12 years to do what is required of me that You will have mercy and grant it to me anyway. Please God, do not take Mike away from me. Please open his eyes and his heart once again to me. You know I have asked very little of You just for myself; I have always prayed for my family and my friends. So please God, find me deserving of making this one request for myself, I beg of you.

True, I’m not often in the pews of one of Your churches, but you know my heart. You know I recognize this whole world as Your church, and that I worship you all the time. You have guided my hands when I made so much of my jewelry, whispering one more bead, you can finish the task I have set you to just like you are finishing this necklace—one bead at a time. I have talked to You while I have knitted, and You have listened. You have spoken, and I have tried hard to hear what You would tell me, I really have.

Please God, I want my husband back. I have followed the example of Ruth: I have made Mike’s people, my people; where he has gone, I have gone. I have slept where he has slept. I have honored his father and mother as my own parents. His burdens have been my burdens. I have kept all my promises. I promised You I would love Mike till death do us part, and I am keeping that promise. I promised Mike’s mother that I would always love Mike “anyway.” I am keeping that promise. I am also keeping the promise to Mike “to always be nice to each other.” I have loved completely and unconditionally. You know my heart and You see to the very depths of my soul God, so you know there is nothing I would not do for Mike.

Through all the trials and the tribulations You have placed before us I have tried to act with integrity, dignity, and honor. I have endured the trials you placed before me. When I could go no further, I kept going. When I had no more strength to carry any more, I did anyway. When no one else wanted to do what had to be done, I stepped up and did it. I took the blame, I allowed myself to be the “villain.” Yes, I made mistakes during those 10 years but I gave of myself freely and without reservation. Surely that should count for something.

I have learned humility and patience. I have learned the meaning of true forgiveness. I have turned the other cheek. I have been kind and understanding when again and again I was treated rudely; when I was embarrassed and humiliated in front of other people; when I was always left behind; when I was never considered important enough to spend time with; when everyone else was more important than me and I was repeatedly ignored; when I have been misunderstood; when I have been falsely accused; I did my best to smile and hold my head up anyway. I have done my best to act with integrity and dignity regardless of the opinions of others. When my health made doing the simplest task an act of sheer will-power, I did more than I was able to do, and then endured being insulted as lazy. You know I did, God. Yes, it hurt, and I told You how badly it hurt, but you know I bore it, and I bore it without malice. I have never held a grudge nor tried to “get even” with Mike for any slight or insult. I know I probably was not easy to live with, but You know I never stopped loving Mike, nor did I ever stop trying to do and be my best.

I know it isn’t Mike’s fault that he can’t put his relationship with me first. You are the one who taught us that the sins of the fathers are visited upon their children. You know his father and grandfather were not good husbands. I knew it too, when I married Mike. But I also know that you will help any of your children who will help themselves; that you gave us Free Will. You gave us the ability to change and do things differently—to become better people and to receive your Grace. Please God, Mike is a good man and I love him. We both love him. Mike doesn’t deserve to go through a 4th divorce. He does not deserve the diminished respect of his many long-married professional colleagues and friends with yet another divorce. Please don’t allow him to follow in the footsteps of his father because after all, he is Your child too. Show him that as his Father You have given him everything he wants and needs already—he just has to open his heart to it. Remind him that You are his role model. Mike works hard at everything else except his marriages. Please God, show him he needs to tend and care for his marriage in the same way as he cares for everything else and that the rewards for doing so are every bit as great.

Show Mike that this too is a part of Your process for making him a better person. It is yet one more challenge he has in front of him. Open his heart to the reality that You gave him a wife who is steadfast and devoted to him, and that with just a small amount of effort on his part the love between us will once again flourish and grow even stronger, just as You intended it to. Bring him the enlightenment that of all his challenges and trials that You have placed in front of him to make him a better person, that this one is the easiest. Please God, show him that quitting right at the finish line is not what You have planned for him. Mike is a good man with a heart full of love, and in need of love. I promised You and his mother both God, to love Mike unconditionally for as long as we both shall live. Those promises were not made lightly. Please bring him back to me so I can continue to keep those promises.

Mike and I have survived the 10 years of trial by fire you placed before us, but we have not come through unscathed. You know that. Our souls, our spirits, and our bodies are bruised and battered and we have suffered greatly but I know I am a better person because of it. Thanks to Your gifts of medicines, I am again healthy and I am continuing to try to be a better person still. When I was at the very bottom and you sent Jay to intervene and keep me from taking my life God, I don’t think that it was only to then turn around and take Mike away from me. I do not believe God, that you sent me to Mike to suffer alongside him and help him carry his burden throughout these trying times only to be discarded when those trials are over. Please God, let us keep our promises to each other and to You and grow old together.

Mike is a good, honest, and honorable man. You know his heart. Please, let him see that like mine, his body and spirit also have wounds that need tending. Reassure him that the pharmacopeias of medicines available to help his spirit mend are also yet another one of Your gifts. Let him not be too prideful to accept the help they offer. Send someone to Mike to help him find his way back to me. Remind Mike of his vows and help him keep his promise to me and to You. He is the love of my life; the reason I have endured all that I have endured. The Bible says that love is not selfish or boastful; love is patient; love is kind; love bears all; love hopes all. I know this is true because I have done my best to live these words. Please God, do not take Mike away from me now. Bring Mike back to my arms and my heart where he belongs.

In the name of Your most precious Son, Jesus Christ, I most humbly beseech You God to answer my prayer and grant this, my most heartfelt of requests. Amen.